Top Ten Tips for Winterizing Yourself

1. Burn money! Did you know that a one dollar bill will burn for approximately 16 seconds if you light it on a corner? At that rate, you can stay warm all day for only $5400!
2. Live in a house! Did you know that houses have a roof and floors mostly for protection from nature? You can use this to your advantage by living in one during the cold months!
3. The Internet!
4. Befriend an animal! Did you know that all living animals give off heat? If you are friendly towards another animal such as a fat owl or giraffe, you can possibly convince them to stand close enough to you to feel their heat. In science, this is called “symbiosis”!
5. Wear clothes! Did you know that underwear and socks are two of the best ways to keep your ass and feet from getting cold? Wear them all the time!
6. Eat food! Did you know that the body’s metabolism turns all the food you force through your mouth into energy? That energy causes heat via a process called “magic”!
7. Grow hair! Did you know that most humans have the ability to grow hair all over their bodies, without even thinking about it? Hair can help your skin stay warm by trapping heat and blocking wind, and if you use a “hair brush” on it you may be able to lure a friend nearby (see #4).
8. Drink bourbon! Did you know that drinking bourbon can give you sense of “feeling” warm, even though your body is actually getting colder? Like that famous Belgian therapist always says, “It’s the feeling that counts!”
9. Use the Post Office! Did you know that the United States Post Office has over 26 branch locations in the United States alone?
10. Move! Did you know that by moving your body, you generate heat? You do! So stand up and start shaking your arms wildly above your head, and try to do some jump kicks. It also helps to hiss like a snake, because snakes are notoriously warm!